Breaking up is hard to do

• Posted by Elisa on May 29, 2008 at 10:28pm

This was a response to Kathleen's blog I held my fat today! where I describe the situation behind my weight gain as I know a few have asked me to share.

.....Hey Kathleen,
I can say that I loved how the fat got there, but I didn't appreciate what it was able to do to my body. I loved the fat so much, I just had to let it go. The fact that belly fat "functions" separately from the rest of me, with it's own hopes and desires, I figured it was time break up our unhealthy relationship and move on. We weren't on the same page and it was starting to stifle me....there was little hope in our future together. I still have leftovers from the relationship that I just need to burn through, but it's going to take time, and they say time heals all wounds.

In my last pregnancy, I was over-exposed to allergens that caused me severe pain and swelling (cigarette smoke and fragrance). The workplace I was working in was the biggest offenders of fragrance use and then my neighbours at the time smoked inside and it migrated into our home. There was nowhere to get away from it. I had air filters running 24/7 and implemented changes at work for those that were allergic.....we got our own section of the call centre. However that wasn't enough for me in my delicate state and I was forced to go on disability leave before my mat leave period. I gained 90 lbs that pregnancy, and with complications with due date and delivery, I almost bleed to death. I was touch and go for a bit, and when I came through, my post-op was horrible. I resorted to drinking formula just to get enough to eat as I hadn't had food for 3 days at that point. Because of my allergies all I got was clear fluids until I passed gas. It was horrific for someone with a hyperthyroid. 2 weeks after I was down 70 lbs. SO that assault on my system caused massive weigh gain the month to follow at my in-laws. I have been chipping away at that gain ever since and I have finally crossed the threshold back to what I was before I was pregnant. So I am grateful my body sought to protect itself, but now I am my body's defender and protector and it's a healthier relationship. .....

Tags: belly, body, fat, gain, loss, love, success

Well, I guess it is time to move

• Posted by Elisa on May 28, 2008 at 1:56pm

As I have previously posted, I have been experiencing illness from what I perceived to be mold related issues. I have experienced it before , having moved into this condo as it was experiencing similar issues and am familiar with the signs that my body tells me. Well, the condo management called me back saying the report came up negative and we have to pay upwards of $1200 for the investigation. I am still experiencing illness and other symptoms and I can smell what is apparently nothing according to testing. I am beyond frustrated as I do have documentation and obvious visuals that state otherwise.

So it is time for us to move. My health is otherwise compromised by this environment, and I have no recourse. If anyone has any tips or suggestions, please let me know.

Tags: health, hope, prayer, sick, toxins

My new red shoes........I found them!

• Posted by Elisa on May 25, 2008 at 9:30am

I saw them the first day I went out searching for the red shoes (a few weeks ago) and then this week I saw that they were still there. I tried them again and decided to get the pair (and they were 20% off the price I first saw them at). Whoopee!! Now to put an outfit together and wear them out on a date with the hubby!

Tags: goal, happy, red, shoes

I am not running my life in a hamster wheel

• Posted by Elisa on May 20, 2008 at 9:00am

I have been on a journey of self-improvement, taking responsibility for my health, thoughts and actions, and living a more positive, more connected life for just over a year now. ( I had made many changes before that, but I felt it was time to mature). I wrote in my journal a year ago (May 9th, 2007)that I wanted to have the humility to be open and willing to walk my life's path cheerfully and courageously. I felt it was time to drop off and shed the things that hinder and step out faithfully, trusting that God will guide my steps to a dance and my heart to sing. I wanted to become a WOMAN! I was already a daughter, already a wife, already a mother, but it was my time to define myself as a woman. And not just any woman, but the woman I wanted to be. I have an image of myself carrying forward the body I had in my 20s (my mom did it, and so can I), the fun-loving nature that my friends enjoyed from me while I was in University (I was much more serious before and after that time), the gentleness of wisdom and accepting others where they are at, and the confidence of knowing I am not a liar to myself or others and I am doing not only what I believe in, but what I say.

Recently I had a discussion with another and as I was reflecting on the things that were shared, realizing that we need to always be living in the truth. The real truth. What is happening at this very moment. What daily truths are you creating for yourself to live in? What "mistakes" from the past or former habits do you bring forward to define yourself? Are you telling yourself that you always fail, or always screw things up or ALWAYS (fill in the blank)........Do you keep running through the same things when you are trying to make a change in your life and find that you always doing the same thing and wind up staying the same? If you are seeking, wanting, longing for changes in your life, but things don't seem to be changing, how are you looking at the situation and what actions have you taken that are different from what you are doing before? Do you find that you running in circles? Get off the hamster wheel and start running on the road of life. A year ago I got off my hamster wheel and starting off on my journey, running down my road of life, full of change, responsibility, taking actions, and living by the truth. I stopped lying to myself and stopped living in absolute statements (always, never.....), and started seeing things for what they really are. I could watch myself grow and grow to appreciate the growth in others. We are not what we were and we can't keep going back to the past to define our present and future. We can take what has been learned from our pasts and carry it forward as lessons learned, bringing it along on the journey as knowledge, wisdom, and experience. How will you see things that are happening today if you keep looking behind you? It's hard to run in one direction while looking in another. And it's hard to make changes if you are not doing differently and taking the actions to make that change happen.

I have made many mistakes of my own, and have done things in the past that I do not do now. But it is hard when what you have done is the past is all that someone sees you as today, whether it is yourself or someone else looking at you through your past actions. I hope that the changes I have made in my life now may be recognized for the woman I am today and help me to continue forward as I walk, looking ahead, at the woman I will become.

Update on toxicity.......

• Posted by Elisa on May 15, 2008 at 7:17pm

Migraines, joint pain, tightness in my chest, difficulty breathing, faintness and nausea, loss of appetite, fatigue, lack of energy, mood swings............

Part of me can not believe I am here again.......in all this pain. My boys have been clingy, moody, fatigued, sleeping long and confused. My neighbours have become more sluggish and fatigued and I am not impressed with the lack of progress. There has already been to inspection visits and they "plan" on coming back to do a spore test now..........this getting to be risky now and I know I may have to leave this place and go stay with my folks if it's not resolved soon.

Today was to be a workout day, but I dove into the house head first instead (I am doing my workout tomorrow). I raced to it and got 'er done! It was well needed and man am I thankful for that "inbalance" to motivate me. We needed a purge and I am ready for the change that will follow. Biggest things that I have noticed today? ........I did not eat to numb the pain. I did not spin out with rage, but attacked the task instead. I am resolved that we do need to move into a bigger space (with a garage for the hubby). I took the time to think about the situation instead of becoming overwhelmed and frustrated. I gave up the idea of getting everything done the way I wanted to and gave time to my kids, my neighbours and kept my playdate with my friend (at our house!). There wasn't much more I could do. And as much as I want to get rid of more, I can't in good conscience just throw out all the kids stuff for the sake of more "space". I want it to find a good home.

Anyways, my head is throbbing and I guess it's dinner time (I can't recognize my hunger cues today), so it's time toget some dinner going. Have a great evening!

WOOHOO, I'm BLOATED!!!!

• Posted by Elisa on May 12, 2008 at 11:42am

And I look GREAT!

Over the last week I felt that I put on weight and was rounding out in certain areas.....I figured with the added stress, and toxins I have been dealing with, that I was just experiencing the bloating as my body tries to protect itself. I figured if I just keep at it, that when this stress on my body passes, I will see what work I have put in and reap the rewards of a positive attitude, hard work and discipline. I made adjustments to how I ate and cut out a little fat and honey (until I baked on Saturday........I think I will treat every Mother's day weekend as a long weekend from now on......that was fun), drank more water and stay as active as possible. I lost an inch or two, but I admit, since a couple months ago, I had a more emotional warning as to when I was expecting "company" and for some odd reason I haven't been keeping track of my cycle until the day it starts.

This morning I realized that my monthly visitor came without even calling first. Second month in a row! This used to be the norm for me (short or no warning at all), but for the last year or so I experienced the "pleasure" of PMS and got to understand to some degree, what everyone was talking about. But I am excited that not only has it started without warning, but my skin is loose this morning as well, and it's also my favorite week of the month to go hard in my workouts and go for the extra. I like working out when I am having cramps and I have done it for most of my life and when the week is done, I can see the results of my harder workouts. I am usually more toned and may even weigh less and have inches lost as well. And this week is also the week my hub is going to be working long hours, so I will have more time to be active and out during the day as well. Today worked out as a prep and a day 'off" from working out, and we will be walking to the grocery store to get groceries soon and it's GORGEOUS outside! Do I sound excited?! HAHAH, well I am. And I must say, I may be one of few, but this is one of my favorite times each month. I feel like I am extra-productive during this time (diverted energy I guess), and I enjoy it. I am a believer in positivity yielding productivity and with my week off to a great start, I am looking forward to getting a lot done.

Well, off to get groceries. Have a great day!

Tags: benefits, friend, monthly, pms, positive, productive

Happy Mother's Day!

• Posted by Elisa on May 11, 2008 at 10:00am

First of all I wanted to say Happy Mother's day to all this morning. Some mothers may have continued on with their routines as usual, some may be get treated to a fancy breakfast and special gifts and some may have taken a mental long weekend and taken care of themselves (that is what I am doing). All the same, it's a day (or a weekend) where mothers get acknowledged, especially when at times we may feel our efforts go without appreciation. Thank you to women and the mothers who have given their support to not only their families, but to the women here as well.

Today is also my goal day for when I wanted to be back to about the same weight and size as I was 4 years ago. A month ago I post a blog GOAL!!!!! with a photo of me 4 years ago on Mother's day. Today I will take a picture of me and my men with a proud face. Although I have lost weight this month, I have also been exposed to quite a number of toxins and my body is responding accordingly. But great news, I have lost inches and am down to the size I was 4 years ago. I don't have the clothes that I had on in the picture anymore (well not the pants and I think the shirt is still in storage and I will be checking this week), but I look great and feel good too.

My immune system is stronger and I don't get the violent asthma attacks and severe body pain I used to in response to perfumes and mold toxins. I have my stamina back and can dance for hours and I can even maintain a good sprint with my boys packed in the stroller while we are trying to catch the bus =D (and they are a lot bigger and heavier now). I have a lot more energy and the physical strength to keep up with and protect my boys.

I am thankful to Holly for providing me with the information that has been a springboard and catalyst for my improved health. The supportive nutrition really gave me the visual I could work with the body I have and treat it as a friend and not an enemy. I wouldn't give my friend something they were allergic to or would make them feel ill. Would I? (Not to say I would poison my enemy either......but what was I really doing to my body?) Me and my body became friends, working together and supporting each other to get towards a common goal, my health. I love being on this journey and I also love supporting others in theirs as well. This group has been so helpful to me and the reward has been priceless.

Well off to go make watermelon salad for a brunch at my friends house. Have a great day everyone!

Here's the picture we took on Mother's day.

Tags: gain, goal, mothers, results, support

(skip, skip, skip)..........it's SPRING TIME!

• Posted by Elisa on May 9, 2008 at 8:30am

GOOD MORNING!

I opened the door this morning and I heard this nightingale sing so beautifully to me and I thought to myself "I wish I was like Snow White and could sing back to the bird a happy tune."

This past week there were so many things to celebrate. I got to share in the joy of a husband and then his wife being baptized. My boys returned to normality and filled with joy and cuddling and mental stillness. I re-established communication with an old childhood friend (and our kids get along so well). I lost inches and started a new phase in my workouts (WOOHOOO!!....thanks be to God for providing a way) and the boys had a great time at my friends house for a play date (we are going to make it a regular thing now). But also this week has been one of major stress.

Sometimes I live a life of such strong contrasts. I feel like everyday I have to FIGHT for joy and peace and happiness. And believe me, the fight is worth it. It is painful, but it brings you to a point of such growth and accomplishment when you can persevere and overcome whatever obstacle was holding you back or producing negative growth. It is possible to not go forward in life and choose to run in the opposite direction. It is possible to turn away from what you know is right and know is good and turn towards things that will harm you or lead to your own destruction. I have had the misfortune of watching people die from doing such things and I live the lesson learned that I will LIVE for continued GROWTH in my life. I will take what I have seen and what they have experienced and strive for positive growth in me and in the lives around me.

This week, we have had increased fatigue and illness (us as well as my neighbours) from the exposure to toxins (mold in the attic of our condos), I experienced the consequences of the exposure I have had to fragrances, an increasingly busy schedule and dealing with the frustrations, self-attacks and self-sabotage, constant negative speech and complaining of a depressed workaholic. For me, dealing with health issues and negativity are huge. They eat away at the things I work hard for; being healthy and positive. I used to be depressed, but the advantage of it was, I was in LOVE with all the wonderful things around me. Nature! The sun, the trees, the flowers, the moon, the stars, the worms, the ants, the birds and animals, they all gave me such encouragement when I had no one to talk to, and no friends to turn to. I was lonely for a big bulk of my life. I was attacked, neglected, rejected, and treated as an outsider. At the same time, I encouraged, I protected, and fought for the same people who attacked me. Eventually, their hearts softened and they regretted what they had done and have been apologetic in their approach and continue to try and encourage and love me, but the years of pain have left their scar. So regardless if it is other people or one's very self that is attacking, it is still painful.

I am hopeful in the fact that my husband is married to me and through that, I am a friend, and I encourage him, and love him and push him towards his friends and others who want to encourage him and spend time with him and I do not allow him to keep running with negativity. And that he does not fully understand and know what he is doing to himself and when he does figure it out and grow through the experience, I am hopeful that he will choose growth over destruction, but it is still painful to go through. Please, I ask that he will be in your thoughts and prayers at this time and thank you for your support and helping me to not feel alone in my struggles.

Tags: don't, future, goals, going, health, hope, keep, love, positivity, quit

Seasons of our lives - Woman's day 2008

• Posted by Elisa on May 4, 2008 at 10:00am

Every year for the last 5 or 6 years, I have participated in a woman's day event. Last year it was a retreat where we stayed in cabins and went through relationship building, trust, and competitive team exercises as well as heard from guest speakers and other women sharing their experiences with their walk as one of God's daughters. This year, the guest speak was from the Toronto church and she shared about how God loves and pursues us long before we even turn to him. It was great and a lot of woman shared honestly and freely about where they stand in their relationship with God.

I had a great time and focused on meeting any of the new faces, getting lots of pictures and encouraging my friends. There was also a brunch buffet to be a part of the event and so I had planned (allergies permitting) that this would also be my cheat meal. They had muffins and a fruit bowl to start and people were free to take from this snack table for the first part of the day. I couldn't have the muffins (being celiac) and I couldn't have the oranges or the type of apples they had available, so I had a pear. I figured if they have a good spread for lunch then I would be ok in my selections. I did bring a bigger snack bag than I usually do and man was I thankful.

After the guest speaker shared, there was a short break before lunch. I took the time to get some pictures in and catch up with a few people. I also made a note of getting in front of the camera this time, since I tend to forget otherwise. (I'm the one with the hat)

Then it was lunch time. I was excited to see this buffet. When I got up to the line, I grabbed some lettuce and then moved up the the other food. Pasta with tomato meat sauce and pasta with a cream sauce. At that point, I was confirmed of a few things. One, I need to bring a heartier snack the next time we have a function. Second, I was not convinced to come and stay at this facility in the future. And third, I LOVE food and I have high standards. SO for lunch I had lettuce. That's right, JUST lettuce HAHAHAH. When I returned to the table, my friends asked me where's my food? HAHAH. Oh well. So for the rest of the time there, I finshed off my snack, enjoyed my time spent with others and enjoyed a peaceful ride home.

When I got home I was so glad that I had leftover chicken and buckwheat and quinoa in the fridge. I enjoyed it fully =D. I then also made myself a small cheat of rice cake, small smear of chocolate hazelnut spread and a few pure dark chocolate chips. Next, time I'll just have a few chocolate chips and a small piece of cheese. Later for dinner, I had a small piece of steak and roasted veggies. It was a good day.

Tags: eating, encourage, out, prepare, snacks, spiritual, women

....now to fit into those new jeans

• Posted by Elisa on May 2, 2008 at 9:33am

Yesterday the rain and snow stopped falling and I was SO curious to check out all the trailers for a filming location that set up right across the road and go out for a shopping day. So I decided since the fitness equipment store was right across the road as well, I would go look at what they had for medicine balls and such and then pass by on the way back. We strolled across to the fitness store and it was fun to walk in and be addressed as someone that knows what they are looking for. The last time I went in I was with my hubby and even though I was the one making the purchases, the salesman kept referring to my hubby for questions. My hubby told him "I don't know, she's the one who knows what we need!" Anyways, I tried out the medicine balls and I must have short fingers (possible), but I couldn't hold onto the thing. It was slipping all over the place. hahahah. If I do get a medicine ball, it will need to have handles or a different surface material.....
So then we walked passed the trailers at the filming location. Oooooooo, what fun! To see the labels for hair and makeup on the doors, the busy-minded people and when I finally got to ask what they were filming they were trying to be secretive (but I know what they are filming.......=D).
But today was a shopping day and so we proceeded to cross the road, and go up the hill and over to the grocery store for a snack. Then I had to decide, do I want to do just jean shopping or shoe shopping too? Hahaha, I went for both! So I was off to look for those sexy, RED shoes. I checked one shoe outlet store and there was one pair that I like, but were too small. I then passed a store that I got a coupon for in email and took a look through the sale items. I found a black trench (finally) and then I moved on to see if I could find a smaller pair of the same jeans that I had on. I went into the store and woohooo! WOOHOO! 50% off SALE! I had bought the jeans (size 32 and too tight to wear intially) at the end of last summer for $30, but now to replace those jeans would only cost me $15 WOOHOO! I was so excited. I was ready to buy 2 pair. Now to find my size. Well I looked through and there were only a few remaining of the style that I wanted. So I shuffled through and WOOT a 29! As the sales lady further informed me off the sale, I was convinced to get the items I was looking at for months. Me and the boys had also gotten to know the sales lady in those months that I had been checking for sales. I really wanted another sweater, a tank top and another pair of lounge pants. So I shuffled through the sweaters, only XS (extra small) so I grabbed one. I went into the change room and tried on the jeans. OH YEAH! New goal jeans......I got them done up, but they were as tight as when I bought the size 32s. I tried on the sweater and HURRAY, it fit! So we paid up, said ourr fairwells to the sales lady (she was quitting and going to go travel Europe.....NICE!), exchanged email, and then check out one more store for red shoes. I saw a pair that I like (only one pair left hahaha) and they were too big.

SO the hunt for the red shoes continue, but I got my goal jeans and I am gonna work my butt off (literally) to get into them hehehe.

Tags: butt, goal, happy, jeans, red, shoes, shopping, size